I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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