Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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