Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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