im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
