i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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