too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
