Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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