did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you had me at cake vodka
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
