she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she peed on how many people?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
