I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
