Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
