I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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