Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
