I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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