JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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