i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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