is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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