He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
