and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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