i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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