She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
