I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Those nachos came to me in a dream
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
