My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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