Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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