I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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