I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
