This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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