Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
