i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
