every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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