Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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