my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
