Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
