I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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