I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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