finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
