All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
