Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
