I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
