Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
