its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
