3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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