I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
