This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
