someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
