Don't make out with my wife yet
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
