i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
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I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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