is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
