saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
