It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
