I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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