I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I came so hard my ears popped.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
