How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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