it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
