The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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