I look better un-naked...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Randomize
