what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
