i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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