she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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