i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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